Trunks & Leather
Old Trunks, New Leather.
All from Maine.
May 16, 2006
Imagine this – if you had
never signed up for the Brettuns Village Leather e-mail newsletter service
(also known as ‘Typed Misery on a Platter’) you’d have a lot more free
time but would have missed out on this vital flooding report from Maine.
Vital? Of course – it’s at least as vital as all the other
news I ever pass along. How the kids are doing in school (great),
what the dog did today that was remarkable (nothing, and I mean a great
big Jack Squat variety of nothing), new arrivals in the barn, how the plans
are coming along for the new forklift that we’re going to purchase.
One of these days. Maybe. Vital news. You know the kind.
I thought a flood update might be in order.
Over the last 48 hours we’ve
received several hundred e-mails and a lot of phone calls (more than three)
from customers/subscribers, and all have voiced the same concern.
They’ve voiced it in a pretty uniform manner, like most of us Americans
do. Goes something like this:
“Wet enough for ya?”
Then they sit back, and I
can tell you right here that you have to read an e-mail carefully to be
able to tell when the author actually sat back, but the clues are there
if you pay attention. See there, you just missed one and I can tell
you it was a big stretch and yawn affair. Well, it’s late.
At any rate, they ask that ‘blank’ enough for ya’ question and then they
do the sitting back thing and the arms get folded and the head tilts at
a jaunty angle and you can tell they’re just so pleased with themselves
– ain’t I wicked funny? That’s the idea I get out of it anyway.
So here’s my answer:
“Nope. Not yet. Hope it gets a lot wetter – then I’ll be happy.”
Try that answer next time
you get it from the postal carrier, pharmacist, judge, or jury. ‘Hot
enough for ya?’ ‘Cold enough for ya?’ ‘Dry enough for ya?’
Who, me? Nope. Not yet. I like it this way, and I hope
it gets a lot (hotter colder drier – circle one) – then I’ll
be happy. Then you close the deal by just walking away. I’m
telling you that this will yield pleasing results each and every time,
and you’ll leave them speechless. You might also end up in the state
hospital, but it’ll be worth it, at least for a while.
So, yes, it’s wet, but we’re
not drowning, and no, we can’t swim in the roadway nor canoe through second
floor windows or even find water above our ankles around here. How’d
we miss the big mess? Location, location, location. Years ago,
when the corporate partners founded Brettuns Village, Inc., the Siting
Committee, which consisted of Amanda, found this farmhouse for sale on
high ground, and, better yet, strategically located to the north of the
rain line from this recent series of downpours, so, thanks to her, we’re
in the right spot. She did it again. Amazing.
Yes, were OK, and yes, we
have a lot of leather around here, and yes, it’s time to do something about
it. How about a sale? I’ve got a pile of new leather, all similar,
yet strangely assorted, and rather than drive Jenny nuts trying to figure
out what to do I thought we’d make up a sale deal for you miserable newsletter
subscribers. Been a while since we’ve done anything like this, so
What I’ve got are sheep hides
– this is all finished leather, no hair on these sheep. Most of it
is tanned for garment production, and most of it is either black or dark
brown, and all of it is in full sheep hides. The black ones run about 2-3
sq ft each. The brown ones run 4-5 square feet per hide. Some
hides have a dull finish, some are somewhat shiny. All of it is soft
and thinner, right around 2.5 oz, and all of it can be sewn on a regular
household sewing machine, or take the easy way out and just wrap a hide
around one leg, staple the ends together, repeat for the other leg, and
you’ve got yourself a brand new pair of leather pants in under 3 minutes.
If you’d like to see these hides on the site they’re right here:
Just keep in mind that colors
will vary a bit from what you see in those photos. You’ll see that
we advertise 8 of the black hides for $105, or 6 of the brown hides for
$100, and that’s right to your door, Jackson (free USA shipping)(free my
eye – it’s built into the price). For you subscribers what
we’re going to do is price these at $10 each on the black ones, which are
a bit smaller, and $12 each on the brown ones. Shipping is included
for all USA customers, including AK and HI, but please keep in mind that
we’ll be folding these hides for shipping in Priority Mail boxes; they
won’t be rolled. Shouldn’t bother the leather at all, but some of
you don’t like folded leather because of bad memories of Aunt Marge’s wrinkled
chins or something along those lines. If your order exceeds $100
we’ll toss in an extra sheep hide; and we’ll toss in another freebie hide
for each additional $100 increment in your order. OK, I know this
is complicated, but take deep breaths and we’ll get through it. Use
your PayPal account ([email protected]), or fax an order to the
Corporate Fax Center (the machine over there under the newspaper) at 1-207-782-7448,
or just e-mail us your order and your phone number; we’ll call you to gather
up your plastic info. Stay flexible and we’ll get you taken care
of. Naturally, you can always call our toll free line (1-844-492-4930)
where operators are standing by to fail to answer your call. Leave
a message, if you’d be so kind, and we’ll get back to you on the chop-chop.
We’re having a sheep sale.
Quick change of subject so
hang on as this one’s coming in from way out in left field. Does
your dog dream? Ours does. Complete with barking, feet flopping
all around like a bizarre seizure, hair standing up on her back sometimes,
tail wagging other times. That Pooch can go from fierce attention
– such as watching a squirrel in the back yard – to full asleep, with drool
and full dream gyrations – in about ten seconds flat. The entire
time I’ve been typing this drivel my Jenny has been sawing wood and, at
the same time, locked in mortal combat with some unseen beast, and she’s
about to knock the lamp clean over. I’d better get her untangled
before she touches off a fire in here. Hate to see your new sheep
hides get crispy.
Now, about this newsletter…Long
enough for ya?
Brettuns Village Leather
Auburn, Maine (seas 4 to
6 feet, rain continuing through the week, trout in the raingutters)